And so, It begins.
14:29 Jun 01 2012
Times Read: 490
I'll share this and keep it up, on the condition that noone ask, who it's about. Or what the context is.
You ask me, what I want from this, from you? So many things run through my head, it’s impossible to say. Are you honestly just trying to offer help? If so, why? Am I only part of your research, like your other obsession? Why do I interest you, at all? If what you say is true, then I am honor bound to be truthful in return. I feel I’m not doing so well already, and you see it too. It’s discouraging, I want to open up, to be honest and true, but can I? How do you let someone into your head, when your own mind is made up of personas? Each with their own story, their own struggles. Their own demons, or total lack there of. If we are to make progress, I know that years of closed off memories, stories, feelings, all have to be brought to light.
You need true insight into my mind, the way I think, but can I give it accurately? I see us being friends, somewhere down the line, but for now, you still seem, temporary. I like you, you’re great and easy to talk to, but I have no attachment beyond that, I hope that changes. I wish we’d met when I was in a better place mentally, because right now, I feel weak. I’m sad, therefore I wallow in it, I purposely make it worse. I fear the place I’m slipping into, the hopeless and helplessness that await at the bottom of this fall. I know It’s clutches all too well. I’ve kept my head above that black watery pit on my own for some time now. I am afraid I stopped treading water for too long though, and the abyss has hold of me once again. I want to ask you for help, but to do so, means admitting I am too weak, that I can’t do it alone. It’s tough, if nothing else, to not be so proud, so arrogant. I’ve never truly accepted the help of others, it leaves me in their debt. It also means, letting my confidence, and cockiness waver, in order to show the true disdain I hold for myself.
It means, being honest with myself, that with 20 years of life, I’ve done nothing, but fight. My demons, my own mind, my feelings, it’s all been my enemy, nothing but a burden. Doing this, to me, signifies starting from scratch, stripping me of my armor, of my power, and leaving me with nothing but knowledge and a weak physical form. If this is truly what must be done, can I trust that you can handle holding all of that weight, while I rebuild the strength needed t carry it? In your mental state, is this a good idea? I think you could learn a lot from doing this, but at what cost to you? Your time? Your patience? Your feelings? Can we still be friends, after all is reviled, or will you just see me as a monster, soon to come across your desk?
COMMENTS
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Bellanova333
19:03 Jun 05 2012
I so needed to read this.. thank you. *hugs